Good Days, Bad Days, and Snow Days

That title pretty well sums up the last week, following my first round of chemotherapy.  I knew that this first round would be a sort of trial.  I had talked to several cancer survivors who had given me some idea of what to expect, but I really didn't know I would react personally.  I was glad that my treatment day turned out to be a Monday, since that would give me the whole week to recover at home (alone) while my kids were at school during the day.  My mom had planned on staying with me the first two days in case I needed her.

Of course, I had not counted on snow complicating my plans once again!  Snow began to fall early Tuesday morning, resulting in 4-5 inches of accumulation at our house.  Jack and Lucy were both home that day.  The following three days were a 2-hour delay for Jack.  Fortunately, my mom was able to make it over to our house early on Tuesday morning before the roads were too bad.  She stayed with me all day and helped take care of the kids.  She also helped us cover childcare and transportation on the delayed days, since I didn't feel up to driving.  I don't know what we'd do without her!

Now for the good days and bad days....Last week was a roller coaster!  I began a three-day regimen of steroids on Tuesday morning, as prescribed by my doctor.  I believe the steroids masked a lot of my symptoms on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was glad to not feel bad, but I also didn't like the way the steroids made me feel.  I felt jittery, like I wanted to jump out of my skin at times.  I also had a HUGE appetite and was hungry all the time.  I didn't sleep well Tuesday night, and Wednesday night I hardly slept at all.  After being asleep just 3 hours Wednesday night, I woke up wide awake and...HUNGRY!  I couldn't believe it, but I absolutely could not ignore the huger.  For the first time that I can remember, I had to get up in the middle of the night and have a snack.  The only problem is that nothing sounds very good at 1:00 A.M.!  I ended up having some dry Lucky Charms, which hit the spot.  Turns out, this is now my favorite snack!  I've had them several times again since that night.  Anyway, I never went back to sleep after my midnight snack.  I tried to watch TV, read, lay in the dark.  Nothing worked.  The next morning, I was in tears over taking another steroid.  I was supposed to have another day on them.  Quentin convinced me to call the doctor before taking a pill.  I did, and the doctor told me I could stop taking them.  She also said that I could cut the pills in half next time and just take them for two days.  I am so hopeful that that will be better!! As it is, I'm glad to be done with steroids for now!

Thursday was a rough day.  I was obviously extremely tired, since I'd been up since 1:00 that morning. I think there was also a "crash" from no longer having the steroids to cover up some of the symptoms, like nausea.  However, they were still in my system enough to prevent me from taking a nap!  I was feeling good, however, that I had not experienced any side effects from the Neulasta shot I'd received on Tuesday.  That was the shot they gave me to help boost my white blood cells and immunity.  They had warned that it could cause bone pain.  Late Thursday afternoon, right at 48 hours after getting the shot, the bone pain set in.  It came on gradually, with me feeling small pains in places on my body that I'm not used to hurting.  The first bone that hurt was the bone in my nose, of all places!  I realized how severe the pain had become when my kids got home from school.  Lucy was sitting next to me on the couch, wiggling around and pulling on me in her 3 year-old way.  However, her touches were excruciatingly painful!  The pain only increased throughout the evening.  I couldn't get comfortable, because it hurt to lay or sit.  When I finally went to bed, I just had to get in one position and not move.  As long as I didn't move, it didn't hurt.  I was just praying for a full night of sleep at that point.  Fortunately, my prayers were answered!  I slept through the night (even with the pain) and woke up at least feeling rested.  The pain was not as severe on Friday and seemed to gradually improve throughout the day.  It was totally gone by Saturday evening.

Our weekend was pretty low-key.  It snowed again Saturday morning and was cold outside, so we hung out at home most of the day.  Sunday was warmer, and Jack got to get outside and release some energy.  I was still feeling tired but better overall.  I was able to rest on the couch but still be with the kids.  Lucy loves to climb up next to me with a big stack of books.  She'll sit with me and look at books for the longest time! Jack got UNO for Christmas, and we've played countless games.  He loves it, and it's perfect because I can do it without moving from my spot on the couch!  The one advantage to all of this is that it's made me slow down and enjoy each and every moment with my kids.  Prior to this, we lived a pretty hectic life.  This has definitely slowed me down, and has therefore slowed my family down too. However, that's not been a bad thing for us.  We've really had some good quality time together, and I'm doing things with my kids that I never thought I had time to do before.  I'm thankful for that lesson on what's important in life and for having the time to enjoy my beautiful children!

Monday morning dawned with me feeling almost normal!  I was scheduled to attend a Look Good Feel Better class on Monday.  This is a class sponsored by the American Cancer Society that addresses the cosmetic needs of women with cancer.  I was excited to go the class and also glad to be feeling better.  I was just worried that I would overdo it in the morning and feel too tired to make it to my class in the afternoon.  I took Lucy to school for the first time in weeks (something I was SO glad to be able to do again!) and then came home and rested before getting ready to go to the class.  The class mostly focused on make-up application, which was good.  However, I thought it was also going to cover some things related to hair loss.  Anyway, it was good to get out and be with people again.  I also received a bag full of name-brand (Clarins, Elizabeth Arden, Estee Lauder, etc.) cosmetics. I certainly can't complain about that gift!

Today is also a good day.  I still don't feel totally "normal."  I still feel just a little bit medicated, like I'm in a little bit of a fog.  It's not bad, though, and I'm not complaining!  I am very excited to have several more "good" days to look forward to before going back for another treatment next Monday.  (Treatments are every other week right now.)  As much as I don't look forward to returning to the way I felt last week, I'm hopeful that my doctor and I will both learn from that first "trial" round.  My doctor has already said she'll adjust the dosages of some meds, and I feel better knowing more about what to expect.  I also know that, no matter how bad I feel in a given moment, it WILL get better!  And, let's not forget the most important part....I am now actively kicking cancer's butt!!!! :)

I'd like to close this post with a story so funny I had to share.  One very cold morning last week, Quentin was taking Lucy to school.  He snapped a picture of the temperature in his car (which was -6 degrees) and texted it to me.  I was feeling rough and had Jack home with me for one of the delayed schedules.  I saw the text and quickly typed back, "Brrr!" and hit Send.  As soon as I did, I realized that auto correct had worked its magic and changed my message to "Breast!"

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!  I know I say this every time, but it's because I mean it.  Thank you for the continued words of encouragement, prayers, and messages!!!

Let the Cancer Killing Begin! (With Some Bad News Too)

I showed up at the oncologist's office for my first chemo session for the second time.  Only this time, I got to actually have a treatment!  Therefore, the "butt kicking" has officially begun!  :)

My first chemo treatment was yesterday afternoon.  Since it was MLK day, Jack and Lucy were home to send me off.  Jack had made me a special Rainbow Loom bracelet over the weekend to wear.  I wore it proudly, telling him that it makes me feel stronger and braver.  Lucy loaded me up with Hello Kitty stickers all over my arm before I left!  She insisted that I leave them on while I was at the doctor, and I did!  It was so nice to carry these wonderful reminders of my sweet children with me!  (And yes, the stickers did raise a lot of comments and questions from several people in the office!)

I did well during the treatment.  I was most worried about them sticking the needle in to access my port just because it is still so sensitive to the touch.  However, the nurse sprayed it with a numbing spray first, and it was fine!! The rest of the treatment progressed without incident.  I had a wonderful nurse, who was so kind throughout the entire treatment.  I was in the chair for three hours, but it actually went really fast.  Quentin was with me the entire time, providing his typical comic relief.  :) The only other thing I had time to do was respond to a few texts and emails.  I love the quote one of my dear friends found and sent to me today, "Chemo is like childbirth, you don't remember much afterwards and it is totally worth it in the end!"

Ready to rock chemo!

One of the anti-nausea medications apparently also has an anti-anxiety effect, which made me feel slightly "weird" during the treatment.  I came home to my kids, feeling the same way.  I just felt a little out of it, and as the evening progressed, I felt worse.  I ended up feeling very nauseous and, quite frankly, all-around awful!  I followed the recommendations I'd received to take my nausea medication at the first sign of nausea, and it seemed to help some.  I ended up passing out on the couch for a couple of hours, until Quentin woke me up and insisted I go to bed.  I was very worried about how I would feel today, since almost everyone has advised me that day 2 and 3 are the worst.  I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling a little tired.  I took it easy most of the morning and was feeling significantly better by the afternoon!  The day turned out a little bit different than I had planned.  Since it was a snow day for the kids, I had some extra company!  My mom came over early this morning to provide extra support.  Jack and Lucy were so good!  They each spent some time hanging out on the couch with me, reading or playing games or talking.

It was a stay-in-your jammies kind of day!

I had to go in for a shot this afternoon that is supposed to help boost my white blood cell count.  That is something that I will have to do the day after every treatment. That went fine, but I'm a little worried about how I'll react to that tomorrow.  I've been warned that it's common to have some bone and joint pain with it, so we'll see how that goes!

So, now for the bad news....I got my biopsy results from the oncologist before my treatment. Unfortunately, both of my biopsies were positive.  That means that the cancer is in at least one lymph node on the right side, where I found the original tumor.  The lump in the left breast is also cancer. This places me among a very elite group of women with bilateral breast cancer.  While not unheard-of, it's very rare.  Quentin's always told me that when I do something, I go all out!  I guess it even holds true for cancer!  This news doesn't change any immediate treatment plans.  I'll still be doing the same chemotherapy that was originally prescribed.  It does mean that my surgery will definitely be a bilateral mastectomy, which is what I wanted anyway, as well as a lymph node dissection on the right side.  It also means that radiation will be added after surgery to help make sure all lymph nodes are clear.  So, enough of the bad news!  Let's just remember that those chemo medications are working in my body right now to kill any and ALL cancer!  :)

Before I close this post, I just want to mention all the wonderful people who are helping me through this journey.  My oncologist, Dr. Joseph, is wonderful!  She has been so kind and down-to-earth, everything I could hope for in a doctor.  She is even coming in during her vacation so that I can see her rather than one of her partners for my next appointment!  And then there's my husband....Quentin has been beside me for every step of this journey.  He has accompanied me to countless doctor's appointments and been my extra set of ears to help me navigate this new and confusing world.  He has also helped me keep our household running so that our family can continue to function in as much of a "normal" way as possible.  My mom has kept Jack and Lucy more times than I can count while I'm running to the doctor or not feeling well.  She did tons of laundry and other household chores for me when I was recovering from having a port placement surgery and two biopsies all in one week.  And the kindness of so many others who continue to check in on me, pray for me, and cheer me on. THANK YOU!!!!

A Change of Plans

Did I mention that I like to plan for things and know what's coming?  I also like to take action once I know there's a problem.  So, to hear that there was going to be a change of plans and slight delay in my treatment was very disappointing.

This is just what happened on January 15, the date that had been circled on my calendar for almost two weeks as the date of my first chemo treatment, the date that I would begin to kill this cancer growing inside my body.  When I met with the oncologist, she shared some unexpected news with me.  The results of an MRI had become available the night before and were changing our plans.  The MRI showed concern with a lymph node on the right side.  At the time of my diagnosis, no lymph nodes were able to be felt or seen on ultrasound.  However, over the course of preparing for treatment, a lymph node was able to be felt.  The original thought was that it might be a result of some infection from my biopsy.  I had taken an antibiotic for a possible infection, but the lymph node was still there.  The MRI also showed a possible tumor in my left breast.  The doctor told me that both places needed to be biopsied before I received any chemotherapy.

Talk about a flood of emotions!  The thought of having two more places biopsied was not appealing, since I vividly remembered how the first one had felt.  The news that the cancer could have spread to a lymph node was scary, and that it could also be in the other breast was shocking.  However, the rational side of me understood what the doctor was saying.  We need to know what we're dealing with before we start killing the cancer with chemo.

So, the biopsies were scheduled for the following day, January 16, and my first chemo treatment was moved to Monday, January 20.

I had the biopsies yesterday.  I experienced significantly less pain during the procedure as compared with my first biopsy.  However, I began to have a lot of pain at the site of the lymph node immediately following the procedure.  That site has continued to be sore today, with less pain at the other site.  Unfortunately, I'm also still sore around the port placement site, which is right above one of the biopsy sites.  Basically, my whole chest just hurts!  I'm hoping for improvement soon, though.

The hardest part of the biopsy is having my activities restricted.  I hadn't returned to normal following my port placement surgery.  Now, I have additional restrictions.  I can't lift my arms above my shoulders or lift anything more than 10 pounds.  Not easy with two young kids to care for!

Fortunately, I'm surrounded by wonderful people who are supporting me in every way imaginable! Quentin has kept our household running smoothly, and I am so grateful for his support and care.  My mom has also been here to do anything and everything needed.  My dad and mother-in-law have both pitched in this week to help take care of the kids and shuttle them to and from school.  I can't even count how many texts, emails, cards, and well-wishes I've received from friends and family.  I feel so blessed to have the support of so many!  It makes all the difference in the world!

The Diagnosis and Treatment Plan

The doctor called with biopsy results on Monday morning, December 23rd.  I was prepared that the tumor was malignant and really wasn't holding out any hope that it wasn't.  I just needed it confirmed so that we could move on to the next step.  I had moved beyond the stage of being completely grief-stricken by that point.  A nurse who served as a breast care advocate at the hospital where I'd had my biopsy had called and talked with me after the biopsy.  She was no-nonsense and cut to the chase with me immediately.  She said two words very early in our conversation that immediately made me feel as though a weight was lifted from my chest:  "complete cure."  She said that, given my age, the doctors would be very aggressive in treating my cancer and would want a complete cure.  In other words, I still have a lot of life left to live!  I loved hearing this, because I had said from the moment I felt that lump that I wanted to throw everything at this cancer.  I vowed I would fight it with everything I have.  However, up to that point, no one had been talking about an action plan with me.  It was all focused on the biopsy and the results. 

Anyway, when the doctor called with the results, she reported that it was indeed breast cancer.  Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma to be exact.  It was grade 3.  I was scheduled to see a breast surgeon on December 26. 

We worked hard to put all of that on the back burner for a couple of days while we enjoyed Christmas with our kids.  They had a great one, getting what they had requested from Santa.  Jack got a globe, a telescope, a Razor scooter, and  Rip Rider.  Lucy got her Barbie Baby-sitter, a pink princess bike, an ironing board (funny girl!), and plenty of accessories to help care for her babies she loves so much.  We made sure we participated in each and every family tradition, and I tried to focus on enjoying every moment of it.  Nothing like a cancer diagnosis to make you appreciate what's important in life!

Over the next week, we met the team of doctors who would be helping lead me in this fight against cancer.  First, the breast surgeon, then the oncologist, and finally the plastic surgeon who would do my reconstructive surgery.  We learned a lot, quickly.  First, we were told that the cancer was Stage 2.  We were also introduced to the term "triple negative," a term a quickly grew to dislike.  We found out that my cancer is negative for all three hormone receptors (estrogen, progesterone, and HER2/neu).  When cancer is positive for any of these receptors, certain drugs can be given to target these.  However, these drugs are not going to be an option for me.  For this reason and because of the size of the tumor, the doctors agreed that neoadjuvent therapy was the best option for me.  In other words, I will receive chemotherapy prior to having surgery.  Surgery will definitely include a mastectomy, and the doctors have been supportive of my desire to have a bilateral mastectomy.  It was also recommended that I go for genetic testing, in order to determine whether I have a mutation of either the BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 gene.  Testing positive for either gene would put me at a higher risk of developing breast cancer again, which would definitely indicate the need for a bilateral mastectomy.  Each of these genes also increases the risk for ovarian cancer.  I've been for this testing, the results of which take two weeks.  I haven't received those results yet.

In this time period, I also went for multiple other tests (bone scan, CT's, MRI, echocardiogram) to check for any metastasis and to make sure my heart is healthy for chemo.  I began to feel as though I was constantly in a medical office or hospital.  My doctor's appointments seemed to rule my life, and every time I turned around I was being poked, prodded, or scanned.

Once the plan was in place, we were ready to move forward.  We shared the news with our kids, trying to give them straightforward information but without too many scary details.  Of course, they had different levels of understanding for what we were telling them.  Jack had heard of cancer before and immediately asked about dying.  Lucy clung to my analogy of how the chemo meds were going to fight the cancer inside my body.  We even acted out how it might look inside my body when the medicine is doing its job.  This really stuck with her, and every time cancer is mentioned, she begins doing karate chops!  She also thought it was funny that I said I was going to "kick cancer's butt," since "butt" is not a word she's usually allowed to say.  Jack, my rule-follower, was not at all pleased that we were using that word!  However, he has been very sweet and has vowed to shave his head with me when it's time.  (Quentin has also made this promise!)

I'm a planner and a do-er, so it felt good when we finally had a plan in place.  I focused on January 15 as the date I would start chemo and begin to kick cancer's butt!  In doing this, I slightly underestimated the outpatient surgery scheduled for January 13.  The surgery was for the placement of a port, which would remain implanted just below my collarbone for the duration of treatment.  The surgery went well, but caused me much more pain than I had imagined it would.  It's going to take awhile to get used to having that object in my body, but I'll do it if that's part of beating this thing!

Ready for my port placement surgery! 

And So It Began...

The week after Thanksgiving, I was out doing some Christmas shopping on a day off from work.  Our kids were at school, so Quentin and I decided to take advantage of the rare opportunity and have lunch together. After we ate, I used the restroom before leaving the restaurant.  While I was in there, I felt like I had some crumbs on my chest and began to try to brush them off.  It was then that I felt a hard place on my right breast.  My heart stopped, as I reached down and felt more.  When I did, it confirmed my initial reaction.  There was a lump there. I walked out of the bathroom to find Quentin waiting for me.  He immediately knew something was wrong by the look on my face, but I waited until we were in the car to tell him.  I was crying, and he looked worried.  He sat there with me while I called the doctor to schedule an appointment.  It just so happened that my doctor had had a cancellation for the following afternoon and could get me in.

I spent the rest of the day worrying and thinking of nothing else and could barely sleep that night.  The next morning brought a snow storm, and road conditions were predicted to worsen throughout the day.  School was cancelled, and both of my kids were home with me.  I had no choice but to call the doctor to reschedule my appointment.  The receptionist explained that they were getting ready to call me to reschedule as well.  They were going to close early that day.  I rescheduled for the following Tuesday, which lo and behold, also turned out to be a snow day!  However, the decision to cancel school wasn't made until later in the morning, and Quentin had already taken Jack to my mom's house (where he goes before school every morning).  That just left me with Lucy.  She and I filled her sparkly pink princess backpack with toys and activities and headed for the doctor!  

Snow Day Fun!

The doctor was reassuring, telling me that the lump felt like a fibroadenoma, which is benign.  However, I needed a mammogram and possibly an ultrasound to be sure.  Her office scheduled the procedure for the following week.  

Both Quentin and my mom tried to convince me to let them come with me to the mammogram appointment.  However, I was adamant that I would be fine to go alone.  Although I still had a bad feeling about the whole thing, I was trying to think positive.  My plan was to swing into the office, have the mammogram, and then head to Jack's school.  I was scheduled to spend the afternoon watching his class during a holiday teacher luncheon.  The class snacks were packed and ready to go.  I just had to get through that appointment first.  

The appointment began with a mammogram.  The technician then indicated that the radiologist would like to also do an ultrasound.  My doctor had warned me of this possibility, given my age, so I still wasn't concerned.  The ultrasound technician looked first, then went to get the radiologist.  He came in, did an ultrasound of my breast, and then asked me to lift my arm.  As he moved the ultrasound wand along my armpit, I knew it wasn't a good sign.  He then removed the wand and told me that he wanted to be honest with me.  He said that he was "very concerned" about what he was seeing and that he wanted to have the lump biopsied as soon as possible.  I was lying on the table, listening to him, but not really comprehending what he was saying.  I then asked the unthinkable, "So you think it could be cancer?"  He replied that it almost definitely looked that way and that even if the biopsy results were negative, he would recommend having it removed and tested.  I began to cry, as the doctor and technician provided tissues and worked on getting my biopsy scheduled as soon as possible.  They ended up scheduling it for the very next morning, and I left in a daze.  I had to call my husband, my mom...They were anxiously waiting to hear how the mammogram had gone.  So, I was stuck telling them the news over the phone while they were at work.  Not exactly the way I would have liked for it to have gone, but what other choice did I have? 

Quentin tried to get me to stay put, saying he would come to me.  However, I just wanted to get out of there!  He left work immediately, and we ended up arriving back home about the same time.  We just sat together in disbelief, crying a lot and talking a little, until it was time for me to get to Jack's school...Remember I was supposed to volunteer that afternoon!  Quentin tried to get me to stay home and not go, but I was adamant about going.  I had made a commitment, and besides, Jack was expecting me to be there.  (This was the first time I realized that I need to be careful what I promise the kids.  Not a lesson any of us wanted to learn!)  So, I went and somehow managed to make it through the afternoon.  Twenty-four first graders make for a decent distraction! 

The next morning was the biopsy.  The radiologist had downplayed this some, and I didn't have time to really think about it enough to be too worried about the procedure.  Unfortunately, the procedure turned out to be more painful than I had counted on.  They numbed the area with local anesthesia and then took 4 core needle biopsies.  I left there in considerably more pain than I had counted on, with instructions to "take it easy" for a couple of days and not lift anything more than 10 pounds.  Results would be available in three business days, which meant waiting over a weekend.

This would be the first of many times in this journey that it struck me how different I am from the "typical" breast cancer patient.  Most women going through this are at a different stage in their lives than I am.  For a mom of two young children, instructions to take it easy and not lift anything heavy are nearly impossible to follow!  I still carry Lucy all the time (I know she's getting a little old for that, but she's my baby!), and I had a Christmas party to prepare for.  Yes, the very next day was the holiday party for Jack's class, and I was the room mom in charge!  I had planned to go home and bake cupcakes and prepare other snacks for the following day.  And I could barely lift my right arm!!!  Fortunately, Quentin and my mom came to my rescue that evening.  They prepared the snacks under my supervision (I have to admit, I did enjoy that part a little!), and I made it to the class party the next day.  After the class party, it was off to Lucy's school for the annual Christmas program.  She made the most adorable shepherd and did great singing the songs she had learned.  It was the weekend before Christmas, so we had plans that kept us busy throughout the weekend.  We just tried not to think about what those biopsy results were going to be....

My sweet shepherd!  

Family Christmas Celebration!