Phase One of Chemotherapy Complete!

I had my last round of AC chemotherapy on March 3rd.  And, because it's become tradition now, we had ice and 3-4 inches of snow fall the night before.  Of course, that resulted in....another snow day for the kids! Seriously, every time I go to the oncologist, it snows.  Really, every time!  It's the craziest thing I've ever experienced!  A snow day meant that my mom couldn't go with me to chemo as planned, because we needed her to stay with the kids.  She came over the day before and spent the night with us, so we didn't have to worry about her traveling in the snow to get to us. (This is starting to feel like Groundhog Day!) Quentin took me, and thank goodness for the four-wheel drive because the roads were awful!  We had to be there at 8:00, and fortunately we gave ourselves plenty of time and made it with no trouble.

When I arrived, I was a little worried that they may send me home without treatment.  I was not feeling well, sort of like I had a cold.  I assumed that was a sign that my counts were low.  The very first thing I do every time I go to the oncologist is have lab work, so they can check my blood counts.  I told the lady who took my blood that I was worried, and she said she'd say a prayer for me as she delivered my blood.  It must have worked, because my counts were good enough for treatment!  During my visit with the doctor, she confirmed that both tumors have shrunk more since my previous treatment!  Yay for kicking more cancer butt! :)

Round 4 of AC went pretty much like the others. I know the drill pretty well by now...First they access my port (the worst part because of the stick!), then give me saline, then three different pre-meds by IV, then push the Adriamycin (which is kind of crazy to watch going in because it's red), then the Cytoxan by IV.  All in all, it takes a little over three hours to complete the entire process.  I have the same nurse throughout the process, who comes and goes as needed.  I've had four different nurses for my four different treatments, and they've all been so nice!  I felt pretty good right after this treatment (it seems like it can vary in how quickly I start to feel the effects), so Quentin took me out to lunch before we headed home.  That was a very welcome treat and a great way to celebrate being finished with the first part of chemo!

Last Round of AC!!!

I felt pretty bad, as is typical, for about a week following my treatment.  I had more nausea this time than I've had in the past, and the fatigue was pretty bad too.  It's hard to really describe how I feel after a treatment...I just feel weird, not like myself. I even have a weird, kind of metallic, taste in my mouth that lasts for several days after a treatment.  And then, gradually, symptoms start to disappear and I begin to feel more like myself.  There has been a cumulative effect with the fatigue, and I can tell I tire more easily than I used to, even on "good" days.  I'm trying to fight it by staying as active as I can.  Before this all started, I walked two miles on the treadmill every morning before the kids got up.  I rarely missed a day.  Now, I try to walk every day during my off-week from treatment.  I just don't go nearly as fast as I used to!  It's important to me to stay in shape during this process, especially knowing that I have a major surgery coming up once chemo is finished.  It's feels good too, to know that I'm doing something that resembles what I did before my diagnosis.  Just one more way I'm kicking cancer's butt, by not allowing it to control me!

One of the downsides of my off-week is that my counts are lowest that week.  That means that, although I feel more like getting out and doing things, I'm also at a higher risk of catching something because my immunity is lowered.  During both this round and the last, I developed a cold.  I don't feel bad enough to really change my activities, but I'm also not glad to have to deal with that when I am otherwise feeling good!  Because my immunity is lowered (and sometimes because I just feel really bad), I've had to miss out on a lot of activities with my kids.  I haven't been able to volunteer at Jack's school, go on field trips, or even just go and eat lunch with him.  I've also missed out on attending several birthday parties with my kids and other functions, like a trip to Gattiland with Jack's basketball team and the Spring Fling at his school.  Big crowds like these, especially where there are a lot of kids, make me fearful of germs.  It's been hard to miss out on these things, both for me and for Jack and Lucy.  I just keep telling myself that it's only temporary!

I have been trying to go to work some during my off-weeks.  It makes me tired to do it, and I usually only work two days.  When I do go in, I'm able to help out my colleagues by writing reports for them.  Going in to work has actually helped me in this process.  Kind of like with my work-outs, it's just one more way I can act "normal."  I'm also blessed to work with the best group of people in the world!  I count many of my coworkers as some of my dearest friends, and it's always good to see them.  It's a blessing that I've been able to modify my work to allow me to stay in the office, rather than being out in the schools.  Although I do miss that part of my job, my doctor did not feel that being in a school would be the best thing, for obvious reasons!  I am blessed with wonderful coworkers who have donated sick days to me so that I don't have to worry about not having sick days or taking unpaid time off.  I am so overwhelmed by their generosity!

Over the last several weeks, I've learned that "chemo brain" is a real thing.  I can really tell that I process information differently than I did before starting chemo.  I have trouble concentrating at times and can be really forgetful.  There are also times when I just can't think of the word I need.  It's not even like it's on the tip of my tongue, it's just not there!  Although these things have been hard to deal with, everything I've read (and what my doctor has told me) indicates that they will go away after being finished with chemo.  I was so concerned about how I've been feeling that my doctor ordered a brain MRI.  Having that brain MRI was one of the more terrifying moments of this experience, only because I couldn't help but lie there and think about "what if."  Good news is, brain MRI showed absolutely no concerns!  My doctor actually called me later in the evening on the day of my test.  My heart stopped when I heard her voice on the phone, because usually the doctor herself doesn't call (especially so quickly) unless there's a problem.  However, my doctor was calling because she said she knew I would be worried about it and wanted to let me know everything was fine!

I also had an ultrasound to check my ovaries this past week.  With everything I've learned during this process, I now know that I could be at risk for developing ovarian cancer at some point.  The ultrasound was to check for any signs of that at this point.  There was a cyst on one of my ovaries, which could be normal if chemo hasn't completely shut down their functioning (which it can do but doesn't always do).  However, given how so many of the tests and procedures I've had lately seem to keep turning up more bad news, I can't help but worry a little bit.  I will follow-up with another ultrasound in two weeks to look for changes in the cyst.  If it's benign, they will be able to see a change in it.  The doctor also ordered a CA 125 test, which is a blood test for ovarian cancer.  The numbers for that came back in the normal range, which is reassuring.  I definitely plan to have a hysterectomy in the very near future so that I no longer have to worry about developing ovarian cancer. However, I was hoping to hold off on that until after finishing with chemo, the mastectomy, and radiation.  It's still looking like that can be the case, but I'll know for sure in a couple of weeks.

The good news for right now is that I have two off-weeks this time because my doctor wanted to give me an extra week before starting the next phase of chemo.  So, I have an extra week this time to enjoy feeling (sort of) normal!  That is so exciting to me!  I realize that I have taken my health for granted my entire life, until now.  I was blessed with extremely good health prior to my diagnosis and have never experienced any health problems until now.  Since my diagnosis, and especially since starting chemo, I have learned to really appreciate my health.  I can't even describe how good it feels to feel good! Sometimes, on good days, I'll stop and think how bad I felt just a few days prior and really take a moment to appreciate how good I feel right then. I can't even begin to explain how much this journey has taught me to appreciate everything about my life!

I'm planning to use this extra "good" time to enjoy my family, accomplish things that have been left undone, and just enjoy feeling good!  I also have the privilege of hosting a baby shower for my sister-in-law, who is expecting her first baby.  I love planning parties, and this one has been extra fun to plan.  I had offered to have this shower for her before my diagnosis.  After my diagnosis, I thought I might not be able to do it, which was very disappointing to me.  However, once we realized we could time it right, I decided to go ahead with it.  Again, one more way I'm keeping control, rather than letting cancer take control of me!

Updates from Chemo #3

Sorry it's been awhile since my last post.  That just means I have lots of news to report!

I'm happy to report that I have survived Round #3 of chemo!  I went last Monday for my most recent treatment.  During my visit with the doctor, she shared results of an ultrasound I had had a few days earlier. The ultrasound showed that the tumor in my right breast has shrunk significantly! The right lymph node has also shrunk slightly.  The tumor on the left side is actually slightly bigger, but both my doctor and I know that it got bigger after the biopsy (which is normal). We can both feel that it is smaller than it was right after the biopsy, which basically shows there is some progress there too.  So, bottom line, chemo is working!!!

It's kind of funny how each round of chemo is a little different.  I can expect the same basic pattern, but each time there are slight variations.  I felt worse this time than I had the previous two times.  I've been warned that there is a cumulative effect with the fatigue caused by chemo, and it seems like this may be the case.  I also had more nausea this time than I've had with previous treatments, and it's lasted longer. I also think that this time was harder just because I'm tired of feeling tired.  The roller coaster of treatment, downward slide into extreme fatigue/bone pain/nausea, then a gradual return to feeling almost normal just in time to go back for another treatment has begun to take a toll.  I'm working hard to stay focused on my goal of kicking cancer's butt.  In the end, it's going to all be worth it!  Overall, I'm feeling well now and am looking forward to having a week off from treatment to enjoy it!

I just have to take a moment to say how wonderful my children are!  They have taken on so much in the last couple of months.  We've worked hard to keep their routines as normal as possible when we can.  There have also been new routines established, and they've adjusted so well to the "new normal."  They are so sweet to me when I'm not feeling well.  The first couple of days after treatment, I'm usually not feeling up to getting out of bed in the mornings as early as possible.  I'm usually still in bed when they get up.  Both of them immediately come into my room to check on me.  I get sweet hugs and greetings from both, and it makes my day!  I can't imagine doing this without them!

Since my last post, I've been dealing with the loss of my hair.  In some ways it's been easier than expected.  My family and I have all adjusted to my new look, and I'm very comfortable going "bald" when I'm at home.  Contrary to what I thought going into this, it's actually the most comfortable way to be.  I expected that I would want some sort of covering on my head a lot of the time.  However, I've found that I find most scarves, hats, and wigs to be pretty uncomfortable. They can also be very hot!  The most comfortable option is a scarf, which I've done quite a bit.  I initially had a lot of trouble wearing my wig and would get a bad headache if I had to wear it more than a couple of hours.  I took it back to the wig shop where I purchased it, and they were able to adjust it for me.  It seems better now, but I've come to the conclusion that I just really don't like having things on my head!

I have one more treatment left of the first type of chemotherapy.  My treatment plan was to have four rounds of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (or AC), with treatments every other week.  That will be followed by 12 weekly treatments of Taxol and Carboplatin.  My first Taxol/Carboplatin treatment will be three weeks after my last AC in order to allow time for my counts to recover completely. Even more so than other chemotherapy drugs, the Carboplatin has the potential to affect my white blood cell count.  My doctor has warned me that there is a chance that treatments may have to be postponed if my counts are too low.  I'm praying very hard that does not happen.  I already know how frustrating it is to show up expecting to receive a treatment and then not be able to get one.  I don't want to repeat that again!  I'm also praying that I can handle going for weekly treatments, without a week off in between to recover.  I will certainly be happy if the side effects from those drugs are not as severe and won't cause me to feel as bad for as long as my current treatment.

We continue to be blessed with such wonderful family and friends!  We have had more meals delivered to us than I can even count.  On nights we don't have meals, we have restaurant gift cards that others have given us to get take-out.  Having meals taken care of has been such a wonderful blessing!  One of Quentin's co-workers who is running the Triple Crown with her two teenage children has asked if they can wear shirts to support my cause.  They designed shirts and are wearing them to each of the races.  Also, the continued support through notes, cards, emails, and texts has been so encouraging!

For now, I'm just keeping on (with the reassurance that we're seeing progress!) and trying to take things day-by-day.  If nothing else, this journey has taught me to do that!  

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

I mentioned in my last post that one of the hardest parts of this journey lay ahead.  Well, I am happy to report that part of the journey is now behind me!  Whether I was ready or not, it was time for my hair and me to part ways.  As last week progressed, it became more and more apparent that I was losing a large amount of hair.  Washing my hair, combing it, blow drying it, or handling it in any way became more unbearable each day, as large amounts of hair would come out at these times.  So, as much as I had dreaded going bald, it actually came as somewhat of a relief to the constant hair falling from my head. 

My wonderful, talented hairdresser (and friend) Ashley took great care of me, as promised. She came over to our house Friday evening after my kids were tucked into bed.  Quentin and my mom were there to support me.  Ashley first cut my hair into a shorter style and then got out the clippers, taking my hair down as short as possible.  She did a great job of keeping all the hair that came off behind me so I didn't see any of it.  She, Quentin, and my mom all chatted and joked to help distract me from what was happening.  When it was all done, everyone was very complimentary and reassuring that I looked great.  It took some nerve, but I finally looked at myself in a hand mirror.  I definitely looked different, but it was less shocking that I was expecting. As much as I had dreaded that moment, it really wasn't as bad as I had feared!  I still looked like myself, just without hair around my face!  

The next morning, I got to reveal my new look to Jack and Lucy.  Jack saw me first when he got up and came into our bedroom.  I was wearing a sleep cap, and he initially didn't say anything to me.  We reminded him what I had done the night before.  He said he remembered and then looked at me.  He immediately wanted me to take off the hat so he could see my hair.  When I did, he smiled.  He said, "You look pretty, Mommy!"  (I've trained him so well!)  We all then went to get Lucy out of bed.  Lucy would not even look at me when I went in her room.  She greeted Quentin and Jack normally but pretended that I wasn't even there.  Jack was excited about my new look and kept telling her to look at me (I was wearing my sleep cap again). After a few minutes, she did look at me and talk to me. Jack kept asking her if she wanted me to take off my hat.  She did not. I told her that she didn't have to see me without my hat until she was ready to.  She seemed relieved, and I left it on the rest of the morning.  We had to get ready to go to Jack's basketball game, which was my first public debut of my new look.  I decided to wear a wig I had purchased that is designed to be worn under hats (basically, it's not a full wig).   It wasn't all that comfortable, so I was glad to come home and change into a scarf.  After getting home from the game, Lucy announced out of the blue that she was ready to see me without a hat or scarf.  She seemed very sure that she was ready, so I revealed my new look.  She smiled and said, "You look the same!" Whew!  We were all relieved to have that initial reveal out of the way.  

Headed to Jack's basketball game!

Quentin planned a head-shaving party for Saturday evening.  Many of the boys in my life had been planning to shave their heads in support of me, and he thought it would be fun for everyone to get together and make it a party.  So, everyone came over to our house.  We shaved heads, ordered pizza, and even had a giant cookie cake to celebrate!  Quentin, Jack, my dad, my father-in-law, and brother-in-law all shaved their heads.  I feel so blessed to have this show of support.  We had a great time, with lots of laughs at the expense of those whose heads were being shaved.  I shaved everyone, with some help from others.  All the boys looked very handsome with their new looks!  

The newest "baldies!"

As I start this "off-week" from chemo, I'm feeling pretty good again.  It takes right at a week for me to start feeling "normal" again after chemo.  I'm just glad to know that I have some more good days coming before going back for some of that butt-kicking medicine.  I have to admit, I do enjoy the simpler life, not having hair to care for every day.  It makes my morning routine much quicker and easier!  I'm experimenting with all different ways to cover my bald head, including hats, scarves, and wigs.  I've found that none of these options are all that comfortable, and being bald around the house is the most comfortable. Fortunately, my family doesn't mind seeing my bald head now!  Maybe I'll adjust to having something on my head as time goes on, just as I've adjusted to all of the other changes that have come my way recently.  Only time will tell!

Chemo #2 and More Snow Days!

I had my second round of chemotherapy on Monday, February 3.  This day also turned out to be yet another snow day for the kids!  We had advance warning that it would snow overnight Sunday night, so my mom came over Sunday evening and spent the night.  We didn't want her to not be able to get here on Monday morning to watch the kids.  Sure enough, Monday morning dawned with another 4-5 inches of snow on the ground.  At least I got to spend the morning with my kids before my 12:30 appointment.  Lucy once again adorned my arm with several stickers, and I wore my special Rainbow Loom bracelet from Jack. I love that I get to take these reminders of my sweet babies with me!

During my visit with the doctor, she confirmed what I had already noticed.  The tumor in my right breast has already shrunk significantly!  Woo hoo!  That is some serious butt-kicking!  Unfortunately, the tumor in the left breast does not appear to have shrunk any yet.  However, the biopsy results on that side showed some differences in the type of cancer.  While the tumor in the right breast is triple negative, the tumor in the left breast is ER positive, PR positive, and HER2/neu negative.  Triple negative, although more aggressive, is much more susceptible to chemo.  So, it makes sense that we've seen more progress there.  

After seeing the doctor, I proceeded to the infusion area for chemo.  Having been through one round already and knowing what to expect, I felt much more confident and relaxed.  They were originally going to cut the dose of the medication I reacted so strongly to last time in half.  At the last minute, I asked if I had to have it at all, and I didn't!  Its primary purpose is for anxiety, which I did not feel the need for.  They still loaded me up with anti-nausea medications and steroids before administering the chemo drugs.  Like last time, the time passed pretty quickly.  Quentin was my chemo partner again this time.  It was originally going to be my mom this time, but the snow changed those plans!  We just hung out, chatted, and ate all the snacks we'd packed!

I felt pretty good that night after getting home, much better than last time!  I know that the difference was taking out the anxiety medication.  I was able to eat dinner with my family and do most of the usual bedtime routine with the kids.  The only problem was that I didn't sleep well at all that night!  I slept for about three hours right after going to bed, then woke up in the middle of the night and never went back to sleep.  I think it was the steroids they gave me with chemo, but without the other medication to counteract, I had the full steroid effect this time!  The good news is that they've significantly cut down on the steroid dosage I'm taking at home for the three days following chemo.  I'm cutting my pills in half and just taking one in the morning, rather than taking a whole pill twice a day.  

I have to go back 24 hours after finishing each round of chemo for a Neulasta shot, which helps boost my white blood cells.  Once again, snow complicated things!  Due to forecasted snow and ice, schools dismissed early.  It also meant Quentin had to leave work to round up the kids and then come get me to drive me to my appointment.  Of course, my appointment was scheduled for right about the time the ice/snow was supposed to start to fall, and it didn't disappoint!  It was nearly white-out conditions when we left the doctor's office after my appointment.  We took the kids with us this time.  I knew it would be a quick appointment and thought it might be good for them to see where I've been spending so much time (and will be spending much more!). It worked out well because we were practically the only people in the office since it was the end of the day, and the kids did great!  Jack even came back with me for my shot.  The staff was very nice and let me take him into the infusion area.  I showed him around a little bit and showed him where I had sat for chemo the previous day.  I'm hoping that seeing that helps him better understand what I'm doing when I go to all of these appointments.

The snow and ice continued to fall after we made it safely home Tuesday night.  Our power went out in the middle of the night for about three hours.  Quentin and I woke up when it did, debated what to do, and decided just to try to get more sleep.  Fortunately, it was only out for about three hours.  Since we were all in our beds under warm covers, we hardly noticed that it even felt colder in the house!  Of course, this morning brought the news of another school closing.  Quentin got up and tried to shovel snow and ice from the driveway.  That left the kids in with me for a while.  They were good, but I'm not feeling all that great today.  Lots of fatigue, and it seems like the bone pain that is a side effect of the Neulasta shot is starting to kick in a little earlier this time than it did last time.  Quentin has now left for work and is going to drop off the kids at my mom's house on the way so I can hopefully get some rest.  

Now for a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately, although I haven't really mentioned it much in my blog.  Obviously, one of the first questions in most people's minds when they hear the word chemo is "What about hair loss?"  That was certainly one of the first that popped into mine!  My doctor warned me when we started that I would start to lose my hair two weeks after my first treatment.  That prediction turned out to be pretty true.  Sunday was the first day I noticed larger-than-usual amounts of hair coming out during my shower and when combing or brushing my hair.  Each day since then has brought similar results, with maybe slightly larger amounts each day.  If I run my fingers through my hair, I will pull out several loose hairs. I can feel that my hair is not quite as thick as it used to be, but I had really thick hair to start with, so this really isn't an issue yet.  I don't think you can tell any difference just by looking.  My hair has not yet begun to come out in clumps, and I haven't found large amounts of hair on my pillow.  These are warning signs that I'm losing a significant amount of hair, at which point it will be time to shave my head.  My dear friend and hairdresser, Ashley, is on call for this moment.  She has been wonderful and supportive since my diagnosis.  She even came wig shopping with me!  I can't think of anyone else who could get me through the head-shaving process.  I am so grateful to have her!  

I suppose I'm as ready for being bald as I'll ever be.  I have a wig ready to go, as well as a variety of scarves and hats.  It's really hard to imagine what I'm going to look like, how I'm going to want to cover my head, etc.  I just keep thinking how cold it's going to be!  I'm used to long, thick hair to keep me warm, so I think that might be the biggest shock in how it feels!  I'm not going to lie.  Losing my hair is one of the parts of this journey that is getting to me the most.  Contrary to the many comments I've made over the years about my hair, it turns out that I really do love it!  Since my diagnosis, and especially since I found out that chemo would be before surgery, I have made sure to fix my hair and enjoy it every day that I have felt well enough to do so.  I'm trying to make the most of our last days together!  

I think that the hair loss is also going to be one of the hardest parts for my kids.  They know it's coming but don't really know what to expect.  Jack mentions it periodically and is excited to shave his head in support of me.  He and I have our best talks when I'm putting him to bed at night.  The other night at bedtime I mentioned that hair loss was probably just a few days away.  He teared up and told me that he would be a little bit happy and a little bit sad when that happened.  When I asked him why he would be a little bit happy, he replied that it would mean that the medicine was working and doing its job. I then asked him why he would be a little bit sad.  His tears came to the surface, and he told me that he would be sad because he likes my hair and thinks it's really pretty.  I love that boy and am so proud of his insight!  Lucy, of course, has a different understanding.  It will be hard on her.  She loves to play with my hair when I'm holding her.  She doesn't even like it when I wear my hair in a pony tail! When I mentioned it to her recently, she asked me about my wig.  For some reason, I hadn't shown it to either of my kids up to that point.  I offered to show it to her, and she eagerly accepted.  When she saw it, she immediately said that it looked just like my hair.  I tried it on for her, and she told me I looked the same as always!  We then sat in the floor in front of my full-length mirror and each tried on the various hats and scarves I've purchased.  Of course, in typical Lucy fashion, she tried to claim the scarves as blankets for her babies!  We had fun, though, trying things on each other and laughing.  

Once again, I want to end with a shout-out to all of my wonderful supporters out there!  We have had more meals delivered than I can count.  These have been such a blessing and have also meant an opportunity to visit with friends and family!  The staff of one of the schools where I work put together a wonderful basket of goodies for me, as well as a bag of "quiet" activities for the kids.  The kids were so excited!  I am also blessed to begin receiving services from Cleaning for a Reason, an organization that provides four monthly house cleanings to patients receiving cancer treatment.  I had already started the application process, but one of my dear friends got the ball rolling much faster.  Our first house cleaning is scheduled for today!  

Here's to even more butt kicking in the days to come!  :)

Good Days, Bad Days, and Snow Days

That title pretty well sums up the last week, following my first round of chemotherapy.  I knew that this first round would be a sort of trial.  I had talked to several cancer survivors who had given me some idea of what to expect, but I really didn't know I would react personally.  I was glad that my treatment day turned out to be a Monday, since that would give me the whole week to recover at home (alone) while my kids were at school during the day.  My mom had planned on staying with me the first two days in case I needed her.

Of course, I had not counted on snow complicating my plans once again!  Snow began to fall early Tuesday morning, resulting in 4-5 inches of accumulation at our house.  Jack and Lucy were both home that day.  The following three days were a 2-hour delay for Jack.  Fortunately, my mom was able to make it over to our house early on Tuesday morning before the roads were too bad.  She stayed with me all day and helped take care of the kids.  She also helped us cover childcare and transportation on the delayed days, since I didn't feel up to driving.  I don't know what we'd do without her!

Now for the good days and bad days....Last week was a roller coaster!  I began a three-day regimen of steroids on Tuesday morning, as prescribed by my doctor.  I believe the steroids masked a lot of my symptoms on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  I was glad to not feel bad, but I also didn't like the way the steroids made me feel.  I felt jittery, like I wanted to jump out of my skin at times.  I also had a HUGE appetite and was hungry all the time.  I didn't sleep well Tuesday night, and Wednesday night I hardly slept at all.  After being asleep just 3 hours Wednesday night, I woke up wide awake and...HUNGRY!  I couldn't believe it, but I absolutely could not ignore the huger.  For the first time that I can remember, I had to get up in the middle of the night and have a snack.  The only problem is that nothing sounds very good at 1:00 A.M.!  I ended up having some dry Lucky Charms, which hit the spot.  Turns out, this is now my favorite snack!  I've had them several times again since that night.  Anyway, I never went back to sleep after my midnight snack.  I tried to watch TV, read, lay in the dark.  Nothing worked.  The next morning, I was in tears over taking another steroid.  I was supposed to have another day on them.  Quentin convinced me to call the doctor before taking a pill.  I did, and the doctor told me I could stop taking them.  She also said that I could cut the pills in half next time and just take them for two days.  I am so hopeful that that will be better!! As it is, I'm glad to be done with steroids for now!

Thursday was a rough day.  I was obviously extremely tired, since I'd been up since 1:00 that morning. I think there was also a "crash" from no longer having the steroids to cover up some of the symptoms, like nausea.  However, they were still in my system enough to prevent me from taking a nap!  I was feeling good, however, that I had not experienced any side effects from the Neulasta shot I'd received on Tuesday.  That was the shot they gave me to help boost my white blood cells and immunity.  They had warned that it could cause bone pain.  Late Thursday afternoon, right at 48 hours after getting the shot, the bone pain set in.  It came on gradually, with me feeling small pains in places on my body that I'm not used to hurting.  The first bone that hurt was the bone in my nose, of all places!  I realized how severe the pain had become when my kids got home from school.  Lucy was sitting next to me on the couch, wiggling around and pulling on me in her 3 year-old way.  However, her touches were excruciatingly painful!  The pain only increased throughout the evening.  I couldn't get comfortable, because it hurt to lay or sit.  When I finally went to bed, I just had to get in one position and not move.  As long as I didn't move, it didn't hurt.  I was just praying for a full night of sleep at that point.  Fortunately, my prayers were answered!  I slept through the night (even with the pain) and woke up at least feeling rested.  The pain was not as severe on Friday and seemed to gradually improve throughout the day.  It was totally gone by Saturday evening.

Our weekend was pretty low-key.  It snowed again Saturday morning and was cold outside, so we hung out at home most of the day.  Sunday was warmer, and Jack got to get outside and release some energy.  I was still feeling tired but better overall.  I was able to rest on the couch but still be with the kids.  Lucy loves to climb up next to me with a big stack of books.  She'll sit with me and look at books for the longest time! Jack got UNO for Christmas, and we've played countless games.  He loves it, and it's perfect because I can do it without moving from my spot on the couch!  The one advantage to all of this is that it's made me slow down and enjoy each and every moment with my kids.  Prior to this, we lived a pretty hectic life.  This has definitely slowed me down, and has therefore slowed my family down too. However, that's not been a bad thing for us.  We've really had some good quality time together, and I'm doing things with my kids that I never thought I had time to do before.  I'm thankful for that lesson on what's important in life and for having the time to enjoy my beautiful children!

Monday morning dawned with me feeling almost normal!  I was scheduled to attend a Look Good Feel Better class on Monday.  This is a class sponsored by the American Cancer Society that addresses the cosmetic needs of women with cancer.  I was excited to go the class and also glad to be feeling better.  I was just worried that I would overdo it in the morning and feel too tired to make it to my class in the afternoon.  I took Lucy to school for the first time in weeks (something I was SO glad to be able to do again!) and then came home and rested before getting ready to go to the class.  The class mostly focused on make-up application, which was good.  However, I thought it was also going to cover some things related to hair loss.  Anyway, it was good to get out and be with people again.  I also received a bag full of name-brand (Clarins, Elizabeth Arden, Estee Lauder, etc.) cosmetics. I certainly can't complain about that gift!

Today is also a good day.  I still don't feel totally "normal."  I still feel just a little bit medicated, like I'm in a little bit of a fog.  It's not bad, though, and I'm not complaining!  I am very excited to have several more "good" days to look forward to before going back for another treatment next Monday.  (Treatments are every other week right now.)  As much as I don't look forward to returning to the way I felt last week, I'm hopeful that my doctor and I will both learn from that first "trial" round.  My doctor has already said she'll adjust the dosages of some meds, and I feel better knowing more about what to expect.  I also know that, no matter how bad I feel in a given moment, it WILL get better!  And, let's not forget the most important part....I am now actively kicking cancer's butt!!!! :)

I'd like to close this post with a story so funny I had to share.  One very cold morning last week, Quentin was taking Lucy to school.  He snapped a picture of the temperature in his car (which was -6 degrees) and texted it to me.  I was feeling rough and had Jack home with me for one of the delayed schedules.  I saw the text and quickly typed back, "Brrr!" and hit Send.  As soon as I did, I realized that auto correct had worked its magic and changed my message to "Breast!"

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!  I know I say this every time, but it's because I mean it.  Thank you for the continued words of encouragement, prayers, and messages!!!

Let the Cancer Killing Begin! (With Some Bad News Too)

I showed up at the oncologist's office for my first chemo session for the second time.  Only this time, I got to actually have a treatment!  Therefore, the "butt kicking" has officially begun!  :)

My first chemo treatment was yesterday afternoon.  Since it was MLK day, Jack and Lucy were home to send me off.  Jack had made me a special Rainbow Loom bracelet over the weekend to wear.  I wore it proudly, telling him that it makes me feel stronger and braver.  Lucy loaded me up with Hello Kitty stickers all over my arm before I left!  She insisted that I leave them on while I was at the doctor, and I did!  It was so nice to carry these wonderful reminders of my sweet children with me!  (And yes, the stickers did raise a lot of comments and questions from several people in the office!)

I did well during the treatment.  I was most worried about them sticking the needle in to access my port just because it is still so sensitive to the touch.  However, the nurse sprayed it with a numbing spray first, and it was fine!! The rest of the treatment progressed without incident.  I had a wonderful nurse, who was so kind throughout the entire treatment.  I was in the chair for three hours, but it actually went really fast.  Quentin was with me the entire time, providing his typical comic relief.  :) The only other thing I had time to do was respond to a few texts and emails.  I love the quote one of my dear friends found and sent to me today, "Chemo is like childbirth, you don't remember much afterwards and it is totally worth it in the end!"

Ready to rock chemo!

One of the anti-nausea medications apparently also has an anti-anxiety effect, which made me feel slightly "weird" during the treatment.  I came home to my kids, feeling the same way.  I just felt a little out of it, and as the evening progressed, I felt worse.  I ended up feeling very nauseous and, quite frankly, all-around awful!  I followed the recommendations I'd received to take my nausea medication at the first sign of nausea, and it seemed to help some.  I ended up passing out on the couch for a couple of hours, until Quentin woke me up and insisted I go to bed.  I was very worried about how I would feel today, since almost everyone has advised me that day 2 and 3 are the worst.  I woke up this morning with a headache and feeling a little tired.  I took it easy most of the morning and was feeling significantly better by the afternoon!  The day turned out a little bit different than I had planned.  Since it was a snow day for the kids, I had some extra company!  My mom came over early this morning to provide extra support.  Jack and Lucy were so good!  They each spent some time hanging out on the couch with me, reading or playing games or talking.

It was a stay-in-your jammies kind of day!

I had to go in for a shot this afternoon that is supposed to help boost my white blood cell count.  That is something that I will have to do the day after every treatment. That went fine, but I'm a little worried about how I'll react to that tomorrow.  I've been warned that it's common to have some bone and joint pain with it, so we'll see how that goes!

So, now for the bad news....I got my biopsy results from the oncologist before my treatment. Unfortunately, both of my biopsies were positive.  That means that the cancer is in at least one lymph node on the right side, where I found the original tumor.  The lump in the left breast is also cancer. This places me among a very elite group of women with bilateral breast cancer.  While not unheard-of, it's very rare.  Quentin's always told me that when I do something, I go all out!  I guess it even holds true for cancer!  This news doesn't change any immediate treatment plans.  I'll still be doing the same chemotherapy that was originally prescribed.  It does mean that my surgery will definitely be a bilateral mastectomy, which is what I wanted anyway, as well as a lymph node dissection on the right side.  It also means that radiation will be added after surgery to help make sure all lymph nodes are clear.  So, enough of the bad news!  Let's just remember that those chemo medications are working in my body right now to kill any and ALL cancer!  :)

Before I close this post, I just want to mention all the wonderful people who are helping me through this journey.  My oncologist, Dr. Joseph, is wonderful!  She has been so kind and down-to-earth, everything I could hope for in a doctor.  She is even coming in during her vacation so that I can see her rather than one of her partners for my next appointment!  And then there's my husband....Quentin has been beside me for every step of this journey.  He has accompanied me to countless doctor's appointments and been my extra set of ears to help me navigate this new and confusing world.  He has also helped me keep our household running so that our family can continue to function in as much of a "normal" way as possible.  My mom has kept Jack and Lucy more times than I can count while I'm running to the doctor or not feeling well.  She did tons of laundry and other household chores for me when I was recovering from having a port placement surgery and two biopsies all in one week.  And the kindness of so many others who continue to check in on me, pray for me, and cheer me on. THANK YOU!!!!

A Change of Plans

Did I mention that I like to plan for things and know what's coming?  I also like to take action once I know there's a problem.  So, to hear that there was going to be a change of plans and slight delay in my treatment was very disappointing.

This is just what happened on January 15, the date that had been circled on my calendar for almost two weeks as the date of my first chemo treatment, the date that I would begin to kill this cancer growing inside my body.  When I met with the oncologist, she shared some unexpected news with me.  The results of an MRI had become available the night before and were changing our plans.  The MRI showed concern with a lymph node on the right side.  At the time of my diagnosis, no lymph nodes were able to be felt or seen on ultrasound.  However, over the course of preparing for treatment, a lymph node was able to be felt.  The original thought was that it might be a result of some infection from my biopsy.  I had taken an antibiotic for a possible infection, but the lymph node was still there.  The MRI also showed a possible tumor in my left breast.  The doctor told me that both places needed to be biopsied before I received any chemotherapy.

Talk about a flood of emotions!  The thought of having two more places biopsied was not appealing, since I vividly remembered how the first one had felt.  The news that the cancer could have spread to a lymph node was scary, and that it could also be in the other breast was shocking.  However, the rational side of me understood what the doctor was saying.  We need to know what we're dealing with before we start killing the cancer with chemo.

So, the biopsies were scheduled for the following day, January 16, and my first chemo treatment was moved to Monday, January 20.

I had the biopsies yesterday.  I experienced significantly less pain during the procedure as compared with my first biopsy.  However, I began to have a lot of pain at the site of the lymph node immediately following the procedure.  That site has continued to be sore today, with less pain at the other site.  Unfortunately, I'm also still sore around the port placement site, which is right above one of the biopsy sites.  Basically, my whole chest just hurts!  I'm hoping for improvement soon, though.

The hardest part of the biopsy is having my activities restricted.  I hadn't returned to normal following my port placement surgery.  Now, I have additional restrictions.  I can't lift my arms above my shoulders or lift anything more than 10 pounds.  Not easy with two young kids to care for!

Fortunately, I'm surrounded by wonderful people who are supporting me in every way imaginable! Quentin has kept our household running smoothly, and I am so grateful for his support and care.  My mom has also been here to do anything and everything needed.  My dad and mother-in-law have both pitched in this week to help take care of the kids and shuttle them to and from school.  I can't even count how many texts, emails, cards, and well-wishes I've received from friends and family.  I feel so blessed to have the support of so many!  It makes all the difference in the world!